A while back I entered a writing contest (that I didn’t win, dang it), and each month we were given different challenges to write. One such challenge was to write a 1000-word short surreal comedy in the vein of Monty Python. This got me to the final stage of the competition (Still didn’t win, dang it), and I would like to share it. It comes from a dream I had once, one that was so silly it woke me up in the middle of the night, laughing. I’ve changed some of the elements to make it more readable. So enjoy!
An Army Ant meets two “Worker” Ants in the tunnels.
Army Ant- What do we have here?
Worker Ant 1- Nothing, just two worker ants going about their business.
AA- Really? You don’t look like workers to me.
Worker Ant 2- What do you mean?
AA- I mean your antenna.
W1- What about our antennae?
AA- They’re too short.
W1- Whoa, whoa. I can’t believe you said that.
W2- Are you racist?
AA- Certainly not!
W1- Then don’t oppresss us, just because we’re antennaelly challenged.
AA- Because you’re what?
W1- Antenaelly challenged. Right?
W2- Yeah that’s right.
AA- Is that even a word?
W2- Yes it is. We had a meeting.
AA- I see. So to be clear, you’re worker ants and not army ants. Because that would explain the antennae.
W1- Correct.
W2- That’s right.
AA- Interesting. I’ve been sent to find two deserters. Have you seen them?
W1- What would they look like?
AA- They would be bright red, like me.
W1- Oh, no sir. We haven’t seen them. We would notice if they didn’t look dark brown like us.
AA- Hmmm. Pardon me for saying this but the two of you look like you’ve had a hastily done paint job.
W1- How dare you sir!
W2- Racist!
AA- I’m no racist!
W1- Well that’s what you say.
AA- Well, can you explain the splotchy color on your thorax?
W1 and W2 look at each other.
W1- Ummm, we’ve got vitiligo.
W2- Yeah!
AA- Both of you?
W1- Yes sir.
AA- Vitiligo is so rare, And you both seem to have it.
W1- Yeah, we’re vitiligo brothers.
W1 and W2 high five.
AA- Hmmm…
W1- Don’t believe us? Why don’t you ask this worker right here.
Female Ant walks by.
AA- Pardon me, but can I ask you a question? Would you say these two are workers?
FA- Of course they are. Just look at them.
AA- I see. Uh, wait. Are you a female?
FA- Certainly not. I’m a worker. If I were a female I’d have to fight the queen for dominance. And have you seen the size of her?
W1- Yeah, she’s pretty big.
AA- Enormous.
W2- She’s so fat.
FA- Anyway, I’m a worker, so I’ve got work to do.
FA leaves.
AA- Something about her.
W1- You mean him.
AA- Of course. Him.
W2- Sure.
W1- Right.
AA- Anyway, to get back on track, I was looking for deserters.
W1- And you thought you could come down to the tunnels and harass us.
W2- The nerve of this guy.
W1- I bet he thinks he can walk into the Queens chamber any time he likes.
W2- If he could fit, she’s so fat…
AA- Hey, show some respect.
W2- Right. Sorry.
W1- Still, you just can’t come into the tunnels and harass us.
W2- Maybe we should report him.
W1- Yeah. What’s your rank.
AA- My rank?
W1- Yes, your rank.
AA- Well, before I tell you, you know that there are billions of us. And while many of us perish, there are always survivors. The survivors get an automatic promotion. I survived many battles, from the attack at the garbage bin to the fight against the mangy dogs, and now I’m proud to boast that I have achieved a rank that establishes my place in the army. But you can only have so many sergeants, top sergeants, lieutenants, captains, majors, and so forth. So the Queen created other ranks using random words to reward those who’ve done so much, but not intrude on the order of things. I’m proud of my rank, for I have earned it through fight and fire. It’s…
W1 and W2- Yeah?
AA- It’s… Duck Moving Van.
W1- I’m sorry, did you say Duck Moving Van?
AA- Yes I did. That puts me above Willy Smack Dab and below Toaster Strudel Bench.
W1 and W2 try try not to snicker.
AA- It’s an honorable rank. It shows that I’ve been through many campaigns and puts me just two ranks from Major.
W1- Of course sir. You must have fought hard to get it.
AA- As a matter of fact I did. There was the battle over the soda can with the honey bees, the fight for that piece of leftover pizza with the rats.
W2- Sounds like you fought the good fight.
W1 smacks at W2 to get him to stop snickering.
AA- I did. And now a new battle is begun. The fight for the dead frog. Those horse flies think they can bully us. We’ll show them. That’s why I’m here in the first place. We have two army ants who’ve gone AWOL and it’s my job to find them.
W1- Well good luck with that sir. As we are workers we need to get to work, so if you don’t mind?
W2- Yeah, and we’ll keep our eyes out for the deserters. But I have to ask, there are millions of us. Would you really miss two?
AA in an ominous tone- We are nothing if not numbers.
W1- Okay, wow. So ummm, we got to get back to work. Good luck on your search, fight the good fight, don’t let us get in your way.
AA- Of course.
W2- And stay away from the Queen. She’s liable to crush you just turning around.
AA- Oh, I know. She’s so fat someone thought a rock was blocking one of the tunnels. Turns out it was her ass.
W1 and W2 snicker.
AA- She’s so fat,…
W1 and W2 see the Queen emerging behind AA and are instantly cowed.
QA- WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
AA-My Queen, Oh my God, I wasn’t talking about you, I swear, please believe me…
The Queen grabs AA with her pincers and drags him away while he cries for mercy. W1 and W2 look in wonder, then turn to each other.
W1- So should we get to work?
W2- Yeah, let’s go.
W1 and W2 go the opposite way.
Arid Testimony 