“Yaaaaay!!!!” The cries came from all of the kids, and not just the young ones. This is what they’ve been waiting for the whole time, and now that it was here they couldn’t contain themselves. A gust of wind hit them, as if on cue, furling clothes and hair alike, carrying their cries across the island. It was all that Mitch could do to not join them and laugh along.
“All right, all right” he said. “I know this is what you’ve been waiting for, just calm down and let me tell the story.” He said this through his own mirth, but as the adult he had to show some decorum, or at least try to. Someone started shushing the crowd which got picked up and spread throughout the group, making them sound like steam off a radiator. When they finally settled he continued, noting how now they were metaphorically on the edges of their seats as they sat on the grass.
“It looks like I got all of your attention. Good. Listen close, cuz this is how it went down.
“At the time he wasn’t captain. Just this guy the crew brought back because he was looting a store the crew were trying to loot.”
“He wasn’t a captain?” Asked Jaqui.
“Nope” said Mitch. “Just a guy we found.”
Wendy chimed in. “I thought he was always a captain.” This was followed by a lot of “Yeah’s” from the group.
“No, no, at that time he was just some guy.”
“Then how did he become captain?” Asked David.
“Well I’ll tell ya. Wait, where was I?”
“You were saying he was just some guy” said Julian.
“Yeah, right. He was just some guy. One thing led to another, and he was captured. We had collected some weapons, some pipes, a bat, a couple’a gaffs, and they used these to take him prisoner.”
This set the kids off again. “No way.” “Nuh uh!” “That can’t be true!” erupting from everywhere.
“Yes, it’s true. Looking back, it was more like he wanted to get captured. I guess it was the best way to check us out. Anyway, the crew didn’t know what to do with him, so they brought him back to the boat. The captain poked his head out the wheelhouse, wondering how they could have captured him while he’s still armed. He had that gun in his hand, twitching like he was gonna do someone right then and there. So one of the guys, I think it was Mr. Trent, goes up behind him and tries to take Bern’s machetes.”
The kids reaction to this was expected. “No way” “No one’s allowed to touch those!” “You’re making this up!” “Did he live?”
“No, it’s true! He put his hand on Bern’s shoulder and got the coldest look for it. He froze right there, not knowing what to do next. The captain yelled at him, told him to man up, he’s got him covered. That’s when Bern shrugged Mr. Trent’s hand off, then shrugged off his machetes. Handed them to me, sheaths and all.”
“Wooow” said the kids. Mitch thought that a few bowls of popcorn were needed here. He was un-expectantly warming up to the story. He was getting the same chills the kids were getting, and he already knew the story.
“That’s right! I had them in these two hands”. He showed them his hands for effect, and the kids gawked at them like they were gold. “Then the captain sent the crew back out because all they came back with was Bern. At this point the captain is a sullen, surly mess. He was mean to everyone, for no reason. We were all pretty surly, and unwashed, wearing the same clothes we had on since day one, and getting real tired of eating fish. Some of us were switching between being sunburned or being sick from sleeping outdoors all the time. But no one was as surly as the captain. He didn’t like people that much, only did the job as a way to pay the bills. Now he was stuck with us, and he decided to make it our fault, like the guys who came back with nothing but. Bern. So he sends them back out there.
“He comes out of the wheelhouse to get a better look at Bern. Looks him up and down, and asks him his name. But not like that, he goes ’You got a name?’ All rough and grumbly. Bern just looks at him, eyes squinted, still as a tree. The captain doesn’t take to this, so he tells him that if he can’t speak he’s got no business with them. Tells him to move on. Bern just stands there, eyes still squinted.
“The captain wasn’t used to that, someone standing up to him like that. So he points his gun right at Bern, starts yellin’ at him, ‘Didn’t you hear me, I said move on or I’ll put a bullet in your head. Then he starts callin’ him all sorts of names. Bad ones too. Even talked about his mother, all the while keepin’ his gun aimed at him. Bern didn’t flinch, didn’t get angry, didn’t do anything but stare at him. I’m standin’ there, one hand on the rope, Bern’s machetes clutched in the other, watchin’ this and I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of man is this, can stare down a gun and not get scared. It was somethin’ I never seen before.
All that yellin’ woke up the zombies in the area. We didn’t see them because they were down the boardwalk. But once they heard the captain yellin’ they came to see what’s for dinner, a couple dozen of ‘em. I didn’t notice, watchin’ the two of them, but the captain did. He got quiet and then high-tailed it back to the wheelhouse without a word.
“At about the same time the scavenging crew were coming out of that bar. They saw the zombies, the zombies saw them, and they all made for the bar. The crew slammed the doors shut, but who knew how long they would last. That’s when I heard the boat engine rev up and that rope I was holding was ripped out of my hands. The captain had turned chicken and left us behind. Even left me, his first mate, and I was standing right there. Didn’t say a word, just took off. The coward.”
“Boooo” was heard from all of the kids. “Yeah, boo is right. That guy was such an aaa…uh…no, I’m gonna say it. He was such an asshole!” The kids shrieked at this, mixing it with some laughter.
“So what happened next” asked an excited Lacy.
“Bern” said Mitch, “who wasn’t a captain yet, reached for his machetes and said to me, ‘hold onto my sheaths, I’ll be right back.’”
“Yeah he did” said Jojo. More laughs followed, as well as more shushing.
“So” said Mitch, he starts banging one of his blades on the posts as he slowly walked down the pier, sayin’ ‘zombies, come out to play’. You know, like in that old movie The Warriors.” All he got was blank stares. “Anyway, that’s what he’s doing, banging his machetes and calling out to the zombies, ‘zombies, come out to play.’ Real sing song, and every time he says that he gets louder and louder. It didn’t take long for the zombies to notice him. First one, then two, then four, then he rest of them.
“Now me, I’m at the end of the dock thinkin’ to myself, ‘is this guy nuts?’ I start looking around for an exit and seeing nothing but the sea. The boat’s already too far to swim for, but it didn’t quite leave, just went far enough so that the captain could get a good view of what’s about to happen. The rest of the crew kept calling to me, but for the life of me I didn’t know what to do. Meanwhile Bern is still singing to the zombies and more and more of them are headed his way. I look at him, I look at the boat, back to him, at the bar where the others are trapped, and my mind goes blank.
Bern had made it to the end of the pier and pointed his machete at the lead zombie, still singin’. The moment it got close to Bern, the magic happened.
Arid Testimony 